So, my sister is getting married today and since I don’t really have much money to help out with anything, I volunteered to make the groom’s cake. I bake and decorate cupcakes all the time so really, how hard could it be?
Well first off, there was the desire for the cake to have a hunting theme.
I’m a vegetarian. I don’t hunt. I don’t know anything about hunting. I don’t particularly care for hunting.
But okay, I’m game. It’s not my cake, I’ll do it.
They also wanted the cake to have a camo pattern to it… Okay….
I know how’d I do that on cupcakes… but on a cake?
But I’ve totally got this I think. I find a deer hunter cake kit… complete with fake trees, plastic hunter man, and a plastic deer. Easy, right?
Simple enough, right? Here I am trying to slather the cake with a base green coat…only the sides of the cake aren’t even and I have no idea what I’m doing. I end up with frosting across my face and no idea how that happened.
I vaguely feel like I left the frat party of the smurf’s hippie cousins. I’m dirty and slightly terrified of the things I’ve done.
I realize the cake is small and ridiculous looking. The deer and the man are literally bumping heads. I mean, there is no distance between them. It’s as though the deer knows how bad this cake is going to turn out and is trying to put himself out his misery.
So then I think, wait! The little plastic trees will fix all of this. I try to hide the deer behind the trees, but the deer is bigger than the trees. Apparently this is a prehistoric deer, back when they were the size of dinosaurs.
At this point I realize the hunter is actually aiming at one of the trees. The barrel of his gun is no where near the direction of the deer. I say screw it and decide he’s a prehistoric vegetarian out to kill the dreaded conifer and bring it home for dinner.
Next, it’s time to create the came pattern along the side. It should be easy, just apply brown and lighter green patches, right? Well, I start putting my ‘palette’ together and nearly gag because the brown frosting just look likes poo. That’s all I can see. I am making a poo cake.
Which is not that far from the truth since it turned into such a monstrosity.
By now I hate everything. I have made quite possibly the most horrifying thing ever. The deer won’t even look at me any more, he’s that ashamed of what I’ve done. I can’t blame him. I don’t even want to look at me. I go hide in a corner of shame for a while and think about what I’ve done.
So I thought maybe if I could really swirl the colors together that would fix it. I used a paintbrush (Yes, just a regular arts and craft paintbrush and painted the hell out of the cake.
Now I’m starting to see that swirling the frosting has only made it far, far worse. Now the green blobs look like angry bushes coming for revenge. They’re oozing off the cake, coming for me.
So now I start trying to stab the cake with the paint brush, trying to tame the bushes, kill them snad save myself. It only makes everything worse again.
By now I realize there is no saving this cake. It is a lost cause, filled with poo frosting and failure. The only option is to smear all of the failure together into a whirlwind of regret and just hope that no one notices the sad little groom cake at the wedding.